Primal Instincts

Sometimes, as a woman, I just need to go back to my primal instincts.  This is the title of this painting I finished this winter, Primal Instincts.  It calls me to have the vision of my own beauty and value – my sacredness that was impregnated long, long ago.  My sensuality that is at the very core of my being that cries out to be fed.  

The tears have been shed. The release has been completed. And now I search for the lover that will take me beyond my imagined boundaries.  I search for him who sees me, understands me, accepts me as I am.  

I am not broken, and I don’t need saved.  I just need to feel that feeling of being his once again. I sent out the call, and one answered.  He has left, but I know that there is another that will heed the call.  I am prepared this time.  I am ready to give into the perfections of my own imperfection – my flaws that are my beauty.  I am ready.  Is He?

Hello! I Love You!

Hello, I Love You!

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/doors/helloiloveyou.html

(Photography by Freddy Camargo)

I am aware of my sensuality and of how I affect men that come into my space.  It has always been that way even when I was a little girl.  It has never been intentional – just something that is.  I have my own beauty, but I would not dare to say I am gorgeous.  I think I am pretty and beautiful, and I do not need anyone to validate how I feel about myself.  

When I love, I love without conditions.  I love wholly and completely.  I give it my all.  It has been said that the man who is lucky enough to have my love is a lucky man indeed.  I give it my all and hold nothing back.  When I give you my heart, it is without strings.  You have my heart in full.  I hold nothing back from you.  If you are lucky enough to enter my world, gain my trust, capture my heart, and earn my submission, count yourself in the presence of a rarity.  I do not give freely, but once I do, treasure it.  I am a fine gem, precious and fragile, yet with a strength that is incomparable to any others.

I move through this world on my own terms.  I may appear to be soft and scared sometimes, and I am, but on the whole?  I am a strong, independent woman who demands to be respected, cared for, and loved completely.  If I give control over, it is with trust. Once that trust is betrayed, or once respect is lacking, I will come out like a hellcat.  More than one man has felt my wrath at being disrespected and undervalued.  

Do not dare to say you love me and prove differently.  Be careful, because if pushed? I will become a cornered she-wolf that is not afraid to tear and rip apart he who dares to hurt me.  

I have been hurt many times.  Honest and openness spares the poor heart that hurts me.  I forgive easily and often, and with forgiveness comes gentleness.  But push me one too many times, and you will see the extent of my defense of my heart.  If I have given my heart to you, and you trivialize what I have given, you will remember these words when my wrath visits you in the darkness.

I do not suffer fools.  Do not be foolish enough to think you can play with my emotions and feelings.  Because if you dare try, believing that I am naïve and stupid, I will discover the truth.  And when that is discovered, you will receive 10 times the wrath of my heart break.  You will curl in a dark corner quaking with what you see there, because you will be forced to see the ugliness of your own soul.  

So, if you think that you can capture my heart with your bragging ways and your lies of love-words, you are very wrong.  I see the heart and soul of those that try to play me, and once seen?  I have my own fun until I tire of the game.  And you? You are left with nothing but your own visions of your ugly soul.  

Ah, but when I love and see the beauty of the intent of your heart and soul and how you love me completely and wholly, I give you my all with all of the love, protection, care, and softness I possess.  Give me your heart without reservations and receive my heart in return, pure and gentle.  With that, I will go to the edge of the universe and back for you and with you, even when troubled waters show up.  I understand that we are all human and make mistakes, and sometimes, we say words of anger and of our own pain.  But when you have given me your honest heart and love, I see beyond the anger and pain.  When you have my honest heart and love, you have it without strings or conditions.  

So, when you say, “I love you,” make sure you mean what you say.  Make sure you feel what you say.  If during the course of our togetherness, those feelings change, be honest and speak your truth.  I accept honesty and understand humanness. We will walk away from each other, heads held high knowing that what we had was sacred and good.  We will walk away intact without recriminations, without pain, and with purity of intention.  

Then? We take the best and leave the worst.

Early this Summer

There once was a time when I was so insecure in myself as a woman, a lover, and a partner that I doubted my value and worth.  And then something started within myself this last year, and I started seeing myself in a brand new light.

It happened early in the summer.  I was on romantic weekend with my lover, and not feeling particularly good about how I looked.  Stress eating had become my norm, and it started showing.  My lover scheduled a beautiful room on the Sacramento River where we could be together completely without the distractions of real life.  

I walked into the room with him right behind me and fell in love with the feel.  The bed was king size with goose down comforters and Egyptian cotton linens.  There was a view of the Sacramento River at sunset. The bathtub was large oval – perfect for two.  As he brought in our luggage, he set it down and walked over to me with such love and passion and desire, I held my breath.

Then he started undressing me, not only with his eyes, but with his hands.  I pulled away because the light from the day was shining in and I was ashamed of my overweight body.  When I pulled away, he just smiled and let me be.  No words were spoken as he walked over to the window and pulled the room darkening drapes closed.  He got me!

From there, he led me to the bed and kissed me with the most amazing passionate kiss.  He gently lay me on the bed, and started undressing me.  This time, he spoke, “Camille, you are the most beautiful, sexy woman I have ever met.  I love every inch and every curve of your body and this weekend, I intend to explore it just as I want you to explore mine.”  Wow!  And he meant it!

There was one point in the weekend when I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself nude in the full length mirror.  I wanted to see myself as he did.  I thought he was asleep, but he walked behind me and put his arms around me.  As he touched me, his eyes locked on mine and I let him lead the way.  I saw myself for the first time through his eyes. The rest of the weekend was life changing for me.  I started seeing myself in a brand new light.  

Shortly after, our romance soured.  There were other factors there that had not been dealt with, but I started really looking at me – my sensuality, my beauty, my worth, and my value.  Another love came into my life that does not see me that way.  There seems to be an ideal to which I cannot meet of a very slender young hard body.  I am a middle-aged curvy experienced woman.  Frankly, I do not want to be that young hard body – I want to be myself, period.  

This relationship is physical only and does not seem to have the same respect as the other.  I know he is drawn to younger women that are what society sees as beautiful.  Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am pretty and attractive and sexy, and I love to flirt.  But I am not looking for one night stands, even though they can be amazing and fun.  I want a real connection with a man that cares for me, respects me, and desires me (not just my body and what it can do for him).  I love this new lover, but I am not sure he feels the same nor am I sure if there is respect and honor for me, as a woman.  I am not sure he can give me what I desire. I have no judgment about it or him.  Whatever passes, it will be what it will be.  

But one thing for sure, I love myself.  And I love my curves.  I deserve the very best and I deserve the kind of lover that I desire.  I will not settle for anything less.  I am changing my eating habits – not to become the young hard body that graces the erotica sites, magazines, and minds of society, but to become the healthiest I can be. And as for my lover?  If he cannot love me as I am now, then he does not deserve me at all.

That’s Being Camille!