Primal Instincts

Sometimes, as a woman, I just need to go back to my primal instincts.  This is the title of this painting I finished this winter, Primal Instincts.  It calls me to have the vision of my own beauty and value – my sacredness that was impregnated long, long ago.  My sensuality that is at the very core of my being that cries out to be fed.  

The tears have been shed. The release has been completed. And now I search for the lover that will take me beyond my imagined boundaries.  I search for him who sees me, understands me, accepts me as I am.  

I am not broken, and I don’t need saved.  I just need to feel that feeling of being his once again. I sent out the call, and one answered.  He has left, but I know that there is another that will heed the call.  I am prepared this time.  I am ready to give into the perfections of my own imperfection – my flaws that are my beauty.  I am ready.  Is He?

Hello! I Love You!

Hello, I Love You!

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/doors/helloiloveyou.html

(Photography by Freddy Camargo)

I am aware of my sensuality and of how I affect men that come into my space.  It has always been that way even when I was a little girl.  It has never been intentional – just something that is.  I have my own beauty, but I would not dare to say I am gorgeous.  I think I am pretty and beautiful, and I do not need anyone to validate how I feel about myself.  

When I love, I love without conditions.  I love wholly and completely.  I give it my all.  It has been said that the man who is lucky enough to have my love is a lucky man indeed.  I give it my all and hold nothing back.  When I give you my heart, it is without strings.  You have my heart in full.  I hold nothing back from you.  If you are lucky enough to enter my world, gain my trust, capture my heart, and earn my submission, count yourself in the presence of a rarity.  I do not give freely, but once I do, treasure it.  I am a fine gem, precious and fragile, yet with a strength that is incomparable to any others.

I move through this world on my own terms.  I may appear to be soft and scared sometimes, and I am, but on the whole?  I am a strong, independent woman who demands to be respected, cared for, and loved completely.  If I give control over, it is with trust. Once that trust is betrayed, or once respect is lacking, I will come out like a hellcat.  More than one man has felt my wrath at being disrespected and undervalued.  

Do not dare to say you love me and prove differently.  Be careful, because if pushed? I will become a cornered she-wolf that is not afraid to tear and rip apart he who dares to hurt me.  

I have been hurt many times.  Honest and openness spares the poor heart that hurts me.  I forgive easily and often, and with forgiveness comes gentleness.  But push me one too many times, and you will see the extent of my defense of my heart.  If I have given my heart to you, and you trivialize what I have given, you will remember these words when my wrath visits you in the darkness.

I do not suffer fools.  Do not be foolish enough to think you can play with my emotions and feelings.  Because if you dare try, believing that I am naïve and stupid, I will discover the truth.  And when that is discovered, you will receive 10 times the wrath of my heart break.  You will curl in a dark corner quaking with what you see there, because you will be forced to see the ugliness of your own soul.  

So, if you think that you can capture my heart with your bragging ways and your lies of love-words, you are very wrong.  I see the heart and soul of those that try to play me, and once seen?  I have my own fun until I tire of the game.  And you? You are left with nothing but your own visions of your ugly soul.  

Ah, but when I love and see the beauty of the intent of your heart and soul and how you love me completely and wholly, I give you my all with all of the love, protection, care, and softness I possess.  Give me your heart without reservations and receive my heart in return, pure and gentle.  With that, I will go to the edge of the universe and back for you and with you, even when troubled waters show up.  I understand that we are all human and make mistakes, and sometimes, we say words of anger and of our own pain.  But when you have given me your honest heart and love, I see beyond the anger and pain.  When you have my honest heart and love, you have it without strings or conditions.  

So, when you say, “I love you,” make sure you mean what you say.  Make sure you feel what you say.  If during the course of our togetherness, those feelings change, be honest and speak your truth.  I accept honesty and understand humanness. We will walk away from each other, heads held high knowing that what we had was sacred and good.  We will walk away intact without recriminations, without pain, and with purity of intention.  

Then? We take the best and leave the worst.

Why I Write Erotica

First of all, let’s get this straight.  For all of my bravado and my openly sensual nature and, yes, my wildness, I am a woman who feels emotions immensely - hurt, laugh, love, and anger! Ok, now that we have that straight, let’s go on, shall we?

My readers have asked me why I started writing erotica, and my general answer is that it is just so much damn fun!  But that is on the surface.  You see, I write erotica because there is a need.

Women and sensuality have been portrayed as shameful and dirty – even to the extent of gross double standards.  Men are portrayed as having voracious sexual appetites, and women, at least most my age, have been told that it is our duty to pleasure our man.  But where does our pleasure happen?  Sorry, but I am not willing to just lie there and take it.  Uh, uh! No way!  Because you see, if my lover wants a robot that will let him receive all kinds of pleasure and he does not allow me mine, then he is out the door! That is if he is not open to suggestions, so to speak.  

In my sexual awakening a couple of years ago, I realized that part of the reason I had not enjoyed sex in my life was because of a lifetime of programming that sex was dirty and shameful.  This not only came from the most important man in my life growing up – my father – but from the religion in which I was raised. Women were not to enjoy sex; it was only for procreation. 

You know the routine – the man is the head of the house and can do as he wishes at all times.  The woman cooks, cleans, and takes care of the babies along with being his occasional whore to do with as he pleases.  And she had better do this with smiles and the pretense of enjoyment.  Learning to fake an orgasm was Sex 101 in my sex education as a girl. And if the little woman did not pretend to enjoy sex and tell her man what a great lover he was, well, he could go outside to any woman, enjoy himself, and the little woman better be glad he came home to her.

Well, I realized that type of mentality not only created oppression and misery, but did not allow me to fully accept my feminine nature.  I learned how to pleasure myself, since my man could not.  And in realizing just how empty my sex life was, I opened to lovers.  But not just any lover will do.  I am particular. 

I will not suffer a man who thinks I am there strictly for his pleasure and gives little concern for mine.  I will not suffer a man who does not respect me as a woman or as an equal.  I will not suffer a man who thinks so highly of himself that he carries a double standard.  Not me!  

Do I submit?  Oh, I love to give control over to a lover that respects me.  You see, my submission is a gift and one that I hold with high regard.  The man that gets to dominate me sexually understands that and respects that.  The man to whom I offer power exchange realizes just how precious my gift to him is.  The man to whom I give control receives immense pleasure from me because it gives me pleasure to call him Sir and to offer myself to him.  The man to whom I give control treats me like the precious treasure I am.  And the minute he takes that gift for granted, well … I take my submission back.  

You see, for me, the role of submissive is one that I do not take lightly.  Do not demand my submission because I will look you in the face and laugh …. Hard! When I offer it, take me with care, protection, and respect.  Then, and only then, will you fully know my gift.

So, this is being Camille.  This is why I write erotica.  It is more of a teaching tool for women and men who desire pleasure and infinite ecstasy – that of being a lover.  That is why I write erotica.