Early this Summer

There once was a time when I was so insecure in myself as a woman, a lover, and a partner that I doubted my value and worth.  And then something started within myself this last year, and I started seeing myself in a brand new light.

It happened early in the summer.  I was on romantic weekend with my lover, and not feeling particularly good about how I looked.  Stress eating had become my norm, and it started showing.  My lover scheduled a beautiful room on the Sacramento River where we could be together completely without the distractions of real life.  

I walked into the room with him right behind me and fell in love with the feel.  The bed was king size with goose down comforters and Egyptian cotton linens.  There was a view of the Sacramento River at sunset. The bathtub was large oval – perfect for two.  As he brought in our luggage, he set it down and walked over to me with such love and passion and desire, I held my breath.

Then he started undressing me, not only with his eyes, but with his hands.  I pulled away because the light from the day was shining in and I was ashamed of my overweight body.  When I pulled away, he just smiled and let me be.  No words were spoken as he walked over to the window and pulled the room darkening drapes closed.  He got me!

From there, he led me to the bed and kissed me with the most amazing passionate kiss.  He gently lay me on the bed, and started undressing me.  This time, he spoke, “Camille, you are the most beautiful, sexy woman I have ever met.  I love every inch and every curve of your body and this weekend, I intend to explore it just as I want you to explore mine.”  Wow!  And he meant it!

There was one point in the weekend when I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself nude in the full length mirror.  I wanted to see myself as he did.  I thought he was asleep, but he walked behind me and put his arms around me.  As he touched me, his eyes locked on mine and I let him lead the way.  I saw myself for the first time through his eyes. The rest of the weekend was life changing for me.  I started seeing myself in a brand new light.  

Shortly after, our romance soured.  There were other factors there that had not been dealt with, but I started really looking at me – my sensuality, my beauty, my worth, and my value.  Another love came into my life that does not see me that way.  There seems to be an ideal to which I cannot meet of a very slender young hard body.  I am a middle-aged curvy experienced woman.  Frankly, I do not want to be that young hard body – I want to be myself, period.  

This relationship is physical only and does not seem to have the same respect as the other.  I know he is drawn to younger women that are what society sees as beautiful.  Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am pretty and attractive and sexy, and I love to flirt.  But I am not looking for one night stands, even though they can be amazing and fun.  I want a real connection with a man that cares for me, respects me, and desires me (not just my body and what it can do for him).  I love this new lover, but I am not sure he feels the same nor am I sure if there is respect and honor for me, as a woman.  I am not sure he can give me what I desire. I have no judgment about it or him.  Whatever passes, it will be what it will be.  

But one thing for sure, I love myself.  And I love my curves.  I deserve the very best and I deserve the kind of lover that I desire.  I will not settle for anything less.  I am changing my eating habits – not to become the young hard body that graces the erotica sites, magazines, and minds of society, but to become the healthiest I can be. And as for my lover?  If he cannot love me as I am now, then he does not deserve me at all.

That’s Being Camille!