When you left, you left a gaping hole in my heart.  I woke each morning with a silent scream crying out for you, but you never answered. 

And now, you come back, but there is something missing.  I opened my heart once again, but the silence is deadening.  There is nothing left anymore.  The pain is too much and I have reached the edge of what I can handle of this.  I have been pushed too far.

Who do you think you are?

Primal Instincts

Sometimes, as a woman, I just need to go back to my primal instincts.  This is the title of this painting I finished this winter, Primal Instincts.  It calls me to have the vision of my own beauty and value – my sacredness that was impregnated long, long ago.  My sensuality that is at the very core of my being that cries out to be fed.  

The tears have been shed. The release has been completed. And now I search for the lover that will take me beyond my imagined boundaries.  I search for him who sees me, understands me, accepts me as I am.  

I am not broken, and I don’t need saved.  I just need to feel that feeling of being his once again. I sent out the call, and one answered.  He has left, but I know that there is another that will heed the call.  I am prepared this time.  I am ready to give into the perfections of my own imperfection – my flaws that are my beauty.  I am ready.  Is He?

Hello! I Love You!

Hello, I Love You!

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/doors/helloiloveyou.html

(Photography by Freddy Camargo)

I am aware of my sensuality and of how I affect men that come into my space.  It has always been that way even when I was a little girl.  It has never been intentional – just something that is.  I have my own beauty, but I would not dare to say I am gorgeous.  I think I am pretty and beautiful, and I do not need anyone to validate how I feel about myself.  

When I love, I love without conditions.  I love wholly and completely.  I give it my all.  It has been said that the man who is lucky enough to have my love is a lucky man indeed.  I give it my all and hold nothing back.  When I give you my heart, it is without strings.  You have my heart in full.  I hold nothing back from you.  If you are lucky enough to enter my world, gain my trust, capture my heart, and earn my submission, count yourself in the presence of a rarity.  I do not give freely, but once I do, treasure it.  I am a fine gem, precious and fragile, yet with a strength that is incomparable to any others.

I move through this world on my own terms.  I may appear to be soft and scared sometimes, and I am, but on the whole?  I am a strong, independent woman who demands to be respected, cared for, and loved completely.  If I give control over, it is with trust. Once that trust is betrayed, or once respect is lacking, I will come out like a hellcat.  More than one man has felt my wrath at being disrespected and undervalued.  

Do not dare to say you love me and prove differently.  Be careful, because if pushed? I will become a cornered she-wolf that is not afraid to tear and rip apart he who dares to hurt me.  

I have been hurt many times.  Honest and openness spares the poor heart that hurts me.  I forgive easily and often, and with forgiveness comes gentleness.  But push me one too many times, and you will see the extent of my defense of my heart.  If I have given my heart to you, and you trivialize what I have given, you will remember these words when my wrath visits you in the darkness.

I do not suffer fools.  Do not be foolish enough to think you can play with my emotions and feelings.  Because if you dare try, believing that I am naïve and stupid, I will discover the truth.  And when that is discovered, you will receive 10 times the wrath of my heart break.  You will curl in a dark corner quaking with what you see there, because you will be forced to see the ugliness of your own soul.  

So, if you think that you can capture my heart with your bragging ways and your lies of love-words, you are very wrong.  I see the heart and soul of those that try to play me, and once seen?  I have my own fun until I tire of the game.  And you? You are left with nothing but your own visions of your ugly soul.  

Ah, but when I love and see the beauty of the intent of your heart and soul and how you love me completely and wholly, I give you my all with all of the love, protection, care, and softness I possess.  Give me your heart without reservations and receive my heart in return, pure and gentle.  With that, I will go to the edge of the universe and back for you and with you, even when troubled waters show up.  I understand that we are all human and make mistakes, and sometimes, we say words of anger and of our own pain.  But when you have given me your honest heart and love, I see beyond the anger and pain.  When you have my honest heart and love, you have it without strings or conditions.  

So, when you say, “I love you,” make sure you mean what you say.  Make sure you feel what you say.  If during the course of our togetherness, those feelings change, be honest and speak your truth.  I accept honesty and understand humanness. We will walk away from each other, heads held high knowing that what we had was sacred and good.  We will walk away intact without recriminations, without pain, and with purity of intention.  

Then? We take the best and leave the worst.

I'm Giving Up on You!

http://youtu.be/-2U0Ivkn2Ds

Music has always defined the moments in my life, and I have always found my voice in music.  It conveys my feelings in ways that no other medium can.  It defines love found, romance and fire, anger, frustration, and in this case, the loss of someone I cared deeply about.  

He came into my life less than a year ago, unforeseen and unplanned.  There seemed to be an instant connection, and even though we lived thousands of miles apart, our conversations seemed to be between two people that had known each other for a long time.  He was kind, strong, and attentive, and someone with whom I wanted to share every part of me.  And I did – I trusted him with my heart and feelings like I had trusted no one else in my life.  

I desired a Dom in my life, and he provided the care, protection, and strength I craved.  I was new to this Dom/sub lifestyle, but he was a patient teacher.  I tried so hard to be the sub he needed as well.  He said he loved me – he said he would always be there for me.  And I believed him.

Through unforeseen circumstances, each and every trip planned was blocked.  The first was on his side.  The second came from my side, and even though he said he understood, I felt his feelings change.  He became withdrawn and cold and only contacted me to give me tasks to perform for him.  No more words of love and care – no more heart.

I stayed loyal believing that my love and loyalty and trust were enough.  They weren’t.  He planned for one more trip, but this time it was not to meet me and show me love.  It was for punishment and to gratify his own desires, even though he said it was for mine.  His actions spoke volumes, or rather his lack of words and actions.  I wasn’t sure of one task he had planned for me, and he had always said I could ask questions.  I did, but it conveyed a disrespect for him as my Sir.  He released me – not officially, but through cutting me off from any communication with him.

And now, I sit wondering how everything changed so drastically.  I never cancelled my flight, but did this morning.  The music? 

Well, this is what conveys my feelings, and even though he may never read or understand, it is through this song that I say my final goodbye – something that he could not do.

http://youtu.be/-2U0Ivkn2Ds