Happy Birthday, Momma

Mothers and daughters have their moments. Me and my mother certainly had ours.

We were estranged for several years, but were able to talk about our past and heal. She finally became the Momma I longed for, and we were able to become friends - Mother and Daughter. I am so grateful.

But cancer stole her away from me. I miss her each day. I miss the relationship we carved out of the pain of our past.

A few weeks before she died, she told me her story - one that I did not know. She showed me documents of her life - wanting me to understand her. I listened and saw the incredible woman she was. She overcame a type of domestic abuse that would have destroyed most women.

And now,  I understand so much more. Since she passed,  each year on her birthday, I read her words and reflect on her life. Each year, I understand so much more. 

White Lab Coat

I see your mouth moving,
White lab coat proving
The severity of your words,
Yet my mind says, "absurd!"
Another life change drastic,
Thoughts come to me sarcastic.
I must have spoken aloud,
Your head shakes, silence so loud.
Droning changes to be made,
To fail, a death sentence paid.
Where do I turn for solace and strength?
How do I navigate waters this length?
Don't want to hear anecdotes and tales,
Not while I'm in my own private hell.

CWylde ⓒ 03/ 04/ 15

Challenges? Meet Them With Love

This week has been a week full of challenges, and not all of them were fun.

The most amazing challenge was the VOE Poetry Challenge, called Missing Piece. The poetry shared has been so beautiful and full of heartfelt emotion. They all spoke to me in such deep spaces and getting to know the poets from that part of which they shared has been good for my own soul.

I must have read and re-read each poem hundreds of times and so wanted to comment on each and every one of them, but I had to read in brief passing moments. This gets to the other challenges of the week.

I work part time as a therapist/practitioner at a center for adults with special needs. Many are low to mid-level functioning experiencing autism, Down’s syndrome, have experienced some kind of brain trauma in their lives leaving them with emotional and mental challenges that they work with each and every day. What I and the other therapist do to help is offer massage, energy work, yoga, meditation, acupressure, reflexology, and sometimes, just a hand to hold. The work is challenging and difficult, but always fulfilling. 

One group we service is an elderly group. Most are low functioning and have been institutionalized for the greater part of their lives. They are just now getting to be integrated into group homes and experience being with loving and caring humans for the first time in their lives. Most in this group are past their 70s and have physical illnesses as well. I admit that I do get attached and have to really work at not getting overly attached. 

Two of my dearest, sweetest elders passed this week, and one is in hospice. It was hard knowing that I won’t see them again, and remembered how much they meant to me. I play the Native American flute, and one always requested I play. When I did, he would smile – something he very rarely did. He also had built trust in me through the flute to allow me to hold his hand. And he would hold my hand and kiss it each time after I played. He was meant to be at our group this week, and wasn’t. I took my flute expecting to see him, but he passed in his sleep overnight. He was 97 years old, and I loved him so.

The other challenge? My colleague, the other therapist, had to leave unexpectedly. Her father was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in November. He was in remission, but passed suddenly on Tuesday. So, I took over for her on her days while they got a substitute to help. Remembering losing my own parents, losing my special elder 97-year old friend, and knowing what my colleague was experiencing threw me for a loop. 

This morning, I finally had the opportunity to re-read the poems in the VOE Poetry Challenge and experience the emotions shared. Finally, I could listen to the podcast. Finally, I could let each poet know how much their words touched me. 

I am reminded of something Amanda, VOE Editor-in-Chief, said. You never know what others are going through. I smile through it all because I know that someone else is experiencing far worse than I am. I don’t negate my own feelings and emotions, but know that love and understanding go a long way to healing ourselves and others.

So, today, I ask my readers to take the time to tell those you care about that you love them and thank them for being a part of your life. I thank each of my fans, followers, and readers here, on Twitter, on Facebook, on VOElla, and in life! Thank you for being a part of my life!

Message to My Inner 10 Year Old Little Girls

I just couldn’t figure out why the VOElla Poetry Challenge became so important to me. I hate contests, but this poetry contest became a symbol for me. 

When I was a young girl, I was considered a child prodigy in piano. I was put in the National Piano Guild Contest against college students, and was ranked in the top 2% at 10. From there, I was offered a scholarship to the University music program and a chance to go to Juilliard. My parents both said no and lectured me about how I was not good enough and would never be good enough and to get used to being let down. So, I believed them – they were my parents, after all.

This poetry contest became the National Piano Guild all over again. It became my chance to tell that little 10 year old girl, once and for all, that she was good enough then and she still is good enough. 

I sit here writing this, not knowing the results yet. I do not know which way it will go tonight. What I do know is that I did the very best I could do, and regardless, Dammit! I am good enough, and so is that 10 year old girl.

So, winning is not about what everyone else sees. Winning this is about loving that 10 year old that was hurt so bad back then, and telling her she is more than good enough.

Coming Out of My Fear

There is something to be said about being published. It is exciting to think that someone understands and likes your work, but for me, it is more about feeling validated as an author and writer.

I have written poetry, short stories, and non-fiction ramblings since I was a little girl. I even tried my hand at songwriting when I was a teen. I was shot down quite quickly when I shared one of my songs with a producer who taped it and showed it to a then very popular music artist. This artist took my song, recorded it, and put it out there as his own. Since I was young and had no idea about the ways of the world, there was nothing I could do. So, I became really discouraged and simply … quit sharing my work.

I continued to write poetry and stories, but never shared it with anyone – even my closest friends and family. When I decided to return to college for my degree, my writing for academic purposes became the catalyst for pushing me forward. Suddenly, I was getting perfect marks from my professors, requests to share my papers with future students, encouragement to share my writing. And then, I started writing poetry to share on Twitter joining in the poetry prompts there. 

I focused on writing my blogs sharing little pieces of myself and received praise and encouragement there from strangers that really enjoyed my writing and wanted more. Pushing my limits, I started a novel, Dark Stranger, and it has taken far longer to complete than I thought it would.

Fear has had a huge factor in this. Fear that I’m not good enough and that my writing is trite and unreadable. That fear is quickly being squelched though.

My first real boost came from all the retweets and praise on Twitter. In October, e-Innovate Magazine invited me to submit a poem to publish. They accepted it and I was published for the very first time. From there, it seems to have snowballed.

At the encouragement of Ruben, aka @torturdcyclone on Twitter, I submitted poetry to Nina with Fiery Verse LLC for inclusion in her anthology, Neverlasting. I never expected to make it, but I did – with two poems! The anthology comes out this month. 

January has been a huge turning point for me. My blog Dancing Naked from the Heart won the Liebster Award for small bloggers, a real honor and boost to readership. Last week, my poetry submission for the VOElla poetry challenge made the top 14 and has been featured with the other amazing poets in the 14 on the VOElla magazine website. On top of all that, I am a new regular writer in VOElla’s Sensual Stories with my first installment coming soon. 

In the very same week, I was commissioned to write copy for a new lingerie company that caters to plus-size women. The focus of the monthly newsletter is promoting beauty for all size women and promoting just how sensual and beautiful all women are.

All of this, I share not to boast or brag, but to share my excitement and the thrill that people seem to like what I write. And to share how fear can stop us from achieving great things in our lives. I am a firm believer in magic and creating our own stories. In December, for Winter Solstice, I set the intention to release my fears and step forward bravely. As a result? All of those childhood memories of being told I wasn’t and would never be good enough are soaring out of my mindset, and confidence in my writing and myself is taking hold.

I am realizing that dreams really can come true. Sometimes, it just takes a couple of synchronistic small steps, and those small steps turn to giant leaps. Changing the thought processes and facing our fears head on takes us past what we ever thought possible. We are truly our own worst enemy, but I am becoming my own best friend now.

Dark Stranger may actually get finished this spring! I am writing more feverishly to get the story of the Dark Stranger and Nina out to the world. It is such a special story that spans lifetimes, and it is one that is begging to be shared. I have promised both Nina and her Dark Stranger (name will not be revealed until the book is out) that their story will be told this spring. Dark Stranger gives Nina confidence, and my own Dark Stranger has done the same for me. Perhaps they are the same ….

Poly? All About the Love - Not Sex

There is something to be said about the poly lifestyle. It’s not easy, but the amazing love you experience is far beyond the earthly realm. 

One of my dear friends and I were discussing this, and she put it perfectly. Storm, I hope I quote you correctly. She said that too often, sex and love are misunderstood. Sex is natural and sacred, but love? Love is holy!

That’s what it feels to be poly. So many think it’s about jumping in bed with every person you find sexy and attractive, but it’s not! It’s about connecting on a deep level with another human being to which there is a connection. 

I believe that we have many more than one soul mate. Each soul mate comes from a different “come from” and brings a piece of themselves in their heart. Perhaps, they are a former lover from another lifetime, or a future lover from another dimension. (That's just my mind over working, again) Whatever their “come from” is, when you connect, it’s instant recognition. Magic! Yes, there may be a physical attraction. But it is so much deeper. As Storm said, it’s holy! 

To realize the connection at so many different soul levels, raises the heart chakra to a much different vibration. It is about love – magical love! 

Each person I love, I love completely and (w)holy! There are pieces of myself that share the intimate, the sacred. When I am with someone I love, I am 100% all there. Being poly? No, it’s not about the sex, it’s about love – holy love!

It’s not about being promiscuous or cheating or being addicted to sex. Sex is not the reason for being poly. It’s about loving openly and freely and recognizing that part of myself that is beautiful and whole and complete! It is about being Love! 

Love? It’s holy and sacred! To feel love at such a level! All I can say is Wow! 

So, those of you that don’t understand? That’s all right. I don’t expect you to. What I do expect is non-judgment and understanding and tolerance. Oh, and if you don’t understand, ask! There is nothing wrong with asking about that which you don’t understand. But? keep your preachy thoughts to yourself. Thank you very much! 

Not Giving In

I cannot believe that it is a new year already. Welcome 2015! Right?

There is a lot to be said about ending a year on a positive note, and, frankly, often it is healing. Something happened yesterday that was the culmination of the painful lessons I learned in 2014. That is what I want to talk to my readers about today.

One of the most painful lessons I learned last year was abandonment and all of the stuff I had buried within. That included memories of growing up that filtered into my personal life in a very big way. Without going into the details, suffice it to say that fear of being abandoned and pushed away by someone I loved was a great teacher. 

Not only did my fears result in causing pain in someone I loved and causing a pulling away, but also bringing up long buried memories. These fears found their voices in my poetry, and as such, found their voices shared on Twitter through poetry prompts and stories. 

What was so wonderful about the lessons were the gains – not the losses. I was published last year for the first time in e-Innovate Magazine’s November issue and featured by @timitude on his #CreativeMondays website. 

Tim, founder of Creative Mondays even voted me in his “25 Timspirational People for2014!” I am very grateful and value and treasure this lesson the most.

So, now, to get to last night’s drama! Part of the buried memories that made their way to the light are traumatic abuse memories from my childhood. As a final purge, I decided to put a little of that pain into a poem. This poem was painful to write, but because so many of my readers and fans have experienced the same, I pushed through the pain and wrote it anyway. 

I have shared with the #CreativeMondays family that my erotic writing is not always about the sex, but about providing healing for things that have affected myself and my readers on very deep levels. Keeping that in mind, I anxiously posted the poem on my blog, The Wylde Syde, and shared the link on my Twitter account.

What occurred afterward shook me to the core and caused me to relive many of the memories about which I was intending to purge. I received several Direct Messages attacking not only my poem, but my intentions behind sharing it. I was called names and accused of just wanting attention, but the worst accusations were these three:

“You are a disgusting cunt that probably deserved whatever your father did to you!”

“What a fucking slut you are! You will burn in hell!”

 But the worst accusation and attacks said this: “You WHORE! If I were your father, I would have raped you over and over until you lie bleeding on the floor. In fact, SLUT! Someone should do that to you now!” 

I did not save screenshots of these, but I remember their words because I could not stop reading them. I simply could not believe that anyone would write such vicious words to someone who obviously suffered extreme abuse and incest from her father. 

I did have the insight to report these jerks, but blocked them right away. I wish I had remembered to take screenshots for the police, but I reacted and deleted them. 

I did contact a friend who is a police chief in a nearby town, and with his help, have contacted Twitter. It seems that they can access their database to find them anyway, so I will pursue it from there. So, if these guys are reading this blog post now, I have a message for you!

You left your footprint in Twitter records, and you will be found! The jerk that wrote the third message will be pursued for cyber bullying and as a threat. You will be found!

Now, with that all being said, I removed the link to the post last night and took a step back. My first instinct was to leave Twitter altogether and never write the way I write any longer. But many of my friends and followers stood up for me even without knowing the full language or what was written. They encouraged me to keep going.

After a night of tears and hurt turning to anger and resolve, I refuse to let these guys take away my dream of sharing myself with people. I refuse to let just a few put me back into a cowering position out of which I have fought so hard to climb. I write this blog this evening and share the link to the poem as an InYourFace, KissMyAss, TakeThat attitude. 

For my friends and fans, I say:

DO NOT let bullies have their way! Be strong and fight back! That’s what I’m doing!